Pain
by Sparky Cola
Summary: Kinda angsty. A lot of character death. Max returns to Manticore.


Spoilers- *shrugs shoulders*

Summary-Max is recaptured. Angst. Much character death.

A/N- This is my first Dark Angel fic. Sorry about 

characterization. I got the idea from the show and the fic 

Survival. Thanx to whoever wrote it; I don't remember. I don't like flames-don't want them. Sorry about how hard it is to read.

Pain

He killed them. He killed all of them just to find me. It 

was Normal who gave me up. He was the only one who I 

wanted to die. First Lydecker got Kendra. She didn't know 

anything about Manticore. All she knew was that she 

needed to protect me. And he tortured her. She didn't 

deserve the painful death he gave her. She deserved better 

than that. Hope that Original Cindy gave him hell. She must 

have really pissed him off with all the double negatives and 

nicknames like "Boo". But he understood enough to know 

that she was babbling and not telling him anything 

important. Lydecker had his *children* do all the dirty work 

for him. He was too damn important to break her bones 

himself. The bastard. And then after everything he put 

Sketchy through because Sketchy felt like he owed me one. 

If I had any idea that he would one day die because of me I 

would have tried to save him or if that wasn't possible at 

least not be so hard on him. I would have done him more 

favors. And he was the one who knew the least about 

Manticore or me. I wonder if Lydecker enjoyed the smell of 

burning flesh seeping into every crevice in that small, dank 

room. That son of a bitch. THAT SON OF A BITCH! He 

knew that it would hurt me to know that he killed them. 

How dare he! He didn't deserve to even speak to Logan let 

alone smash in his skull with the back of his gun. He knew 

that if I knew all the pain my friends went through it would 

nearly kill me. I never even had the chance to tell Logan how 

much I love him. I was always to scare before but now... it's 

too late. I wish I hadn't been such a coward. That's all 

Lydecker's fault too. Now they've found me. When they 

brought me in they let Normal go. He actually had the class 

to not mock me or be extremely stuck up. I guess he 

understood that seeing their bodies would be enough to 

send me over the edge. I think I must have hit rock bottom 

when Lydecker told me everything. I wanted, and still want, 

to kill Normal for living. And Lydecker. And any of the 

people who helped. I want all of them to suffer just like I 

did. They deserve it more than my friends did. I don't want 

to live. It's too painful knowing that it was because of me 

that they were killed. They had no idea what they got into 

when they met me. I don't even think Logan did completely. 

He was so naïve and innocent that I don't think he 

understood how murderous one man could be. I don't 

deserve to live. If I hadn't grown attached, all of them would 

be alive. I wouldn't have been around them and soon I 

would have left Seattle before Lydecker got too close. I 

can't live with the guilt. Now I'm going to go pay for it all. 

Just like I deserve to. Because without me, four of the 

kindest people would still be alive. It's too late now. Even 

for me. Maybe when they reindoctrinate me I'll forget the 

pain. But somehow I doubt it. This pain in the bottom of 

my soul, if it is possible for me to even have one, will never 

go away. I don't think that it is possible for something like 

this to disappear because the guilt of knowing that you are 

responsible for other people's deaths is unbearable. I guess 

that's what I get for becoming so human. I never 

understood how human I became until now. I wish I could 

go back to being a nice little killing machine, now that I know 

how much pain a human has. No, actually I wouldn't. I 

would rather have the pain than the lack of emotion. I 

suppose that I was too human for too long and now I don't 

want to give it up. How strange is that? Yet at the same 

time it was nice. I liked being free, having friends, being in 

love (without realizing it), and never having to feel this pain. 

But the pain is good. It's something Lydecker will never be 

able take away, no matter how much he trys. The man that 

wants me to emotionless just guaranteed that I will always 

have emotion. Even if it's painful for me to feel, it will always 

be there. If only he knew. He will know. I just know he will. 

And then he will feel the same pain for killing them. Not for 

the same reason but anger and pain all same. They won't 

be forgotten. I'll make sure of it. 


End file.
